I have something noteworthy to say today. I’ve been building up to this post for almost three weeks now. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to write it. I’m still kinda scared that publishing it will jinx what prompted it. But I’m not the only one who can do with a good hopeful story every now and then. I need to share the love. So here I am.

I’ve found love again. Not in the arms of somebody, but through the arms of somebody. I made it happen. And I’m damn proud of myself. Being in Switzerland has been a barren wasteland dating-wise. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say I haven’t been with anybody in five years. Most people can’t even fathom what that means.

It means that every day, you get a bit lonelier. Every day, you ask yourself two questions: Is it me? Or is it them? Over time, you tend to think that it’s you. You who are unloveable, impossible, ugly, desperate, reeking of need. My friends kept telling me it wasn’t me. That it really was Switzerland, Zurich specifically. I wanted to believe them so badly. Deep down, I don’t think I ever did.

Before I met my first real boyfriend, I’d been in a similar situation. I had fully convinced myself that I was 100% unloveable. Forever. And ever. Then he came along. And loved me. To this day, I remember the intensity of what I felt when it hit me: “No, you are loveable!” If I think back to it, I feel it as if it were the first time. I couldn’t believe how deluded and wrong I’d been. When we broke up – it wasn’t a bad breakup – I told myself to hold on to that revelation. Hold on to the knowledge that just because this was over, didn’t mean I’d have to resume my lonesome existence. I was unluckily in love for a while and six months later I had my next boyfriend. Steve. Steve who changed everything. Steve, who reconfigured my internal makeup in a myriad of ways. That breakup was bad. And suddenly I was alone, in Switzerland.

For a year and a half, I didn’t mind being alone. That’s how long it took me to get over him. During that time, getting together with someone wasn’t even an option I wanted. When that mourning period ended, I realised it wasn’t an option I had.

Year after year, on the 1st of August, the day Steve broke up with me, I felt the loneliness grow. The lack of love etching itself deeper into my soul. I tried to date. I tried people at uni, at work, over the internet. Nothing worked. The people I met in real life weren’t flirting with me, they were just being nice – a very Swiss, very confusing characteristic of the indigenous population. The people I met over the net were freaks. And not the good kind. I stopped trying.

The delusion that I would never find love again crept back into me. There’s no fighting that feeling. If you ignore it, it grows stronger. If you try to think it over rationally, it grows stronger. If you accept it – and eventually you do – it starts dancing on the grave of your capacity for love. And no matter what you do, it hurts unspeakably.

I’m not sure why, but I decided to fight it with one last battle. I only know that the love my friends have shown me in these trying times – in a nutshell: I’m broke, stressed out & ill – somehow factored into that decision. I can’t explain it any better, I’m just sure of it.

I ran a personal ad through Craigslist Zurich. I advertised myself up front as a bbw: a big beautiful woman. It’s an internet-created term I’ve never really liked, but it’s to-the-point and it is, in the end, what I am. I explained that I was looking for love. The ad ended with “skinny fetishists need not apply”. I expected maybe two or three answers. I got around 20. And that’s not counting the idiots who sent me cock pictures (this is the internet after all).

I started going on dates when I got back to Zurich after Christmas. I haven’t even met all of the guys that I’m planning to meet and already there are a few very good apples among them. Two stand out in particular so far, though for very different reasons.

The first is Blu*. He seduced me. Completely. This may be the first time in my life that I haven’t done the seducing. Haven’t had to work so hard at it. I love this about Blu. He saw me and the instant he cheek-kissed me hello, I felt that he was enraptured with me. He’s serious looking, very straight posture, great composure. But I could feel that everything in him wanted me. Twenty minutes after our first date ended, he’d sent me a text message to follow-up. Later that evening he confessed that he had, indeed, been captured by my heaving bosom, that it cost him a lot to concentrate on our conversation. On our third date, I went to his workplace and we defiled the entire backroom.

As I laid there on a massive wood table, soft as butter to the touch, looking up at him, I could’ve cried. I felt beautiful. And he’d done that. If you feel ugly by yourself and uncomfortable in your skin, no amount of affirmations that you are a beauteous being worthy of all the love in the world will help. In my experience, affirmations are a lie and a pile of bullshit. You know how you get to feel beautiful? When someone looks at you like they are watching an amazingly brilliant sunset painted by whatever gods may be. When they look at you like they are discovering a rare flower. When they look at you like that, you feel beautiful.

In my case, it definitely took someone else for me to recover that feeling. Feeling beautiful. I can’t say it enough, even if stylistically it’s making this blog post go down the drain. But you know what? While it might have been someone else’s merit that I got to feel beautiful, it’s my merit that I’ve gotten this feeling to stick around. Only yesterday I looked in the mirror and all I could think was: “You are a beautiful woman. You’re going to be ok.” And also: “You had sex again! WOOHOO!”

Feeling beautiful made me beautiful. In more than one way. I went to work, chipper and happy. I got more flirts out of it! I eat better and work better at my uni stuff.

This is not a story about Prince Charming. It’s not a romantic rescue story. Blu and I aren’t together for now. Maybe we never will be. I’m not even sure I want or need us to be! But it’s a fact of life – and no self-help guru ever admits to it – that another person can be the catalyst and the support for your happiness. We can’t do it all by ourselves. We need other people. Friends are one part of that equation, but only lovers can complete it. The one thing there is to master is this: take that feeling of beauty and run with it. That, no one can do for you. Only you can keep the spark alive. Right now, my spark is strong. I fear that sooner or later I’ll lose it again. But right now, I’m savouring it.

So much so, in fact, that I’ve done something else I’m proud of. It involves the second man I mentioned earlier, Dorado*. I didn’t date him. We just got straight to business. And it was fantastic. Why am I proud of that? Because I’m taking what I want. Dorado isn’t a guy I would ever consider dating. Or, “worse”, be in a relationship with. He’s sweet, successful, well-mannered and I have no interest in him other than as a sex object. And you know what? That’s okay. For the first time ever, I’m having “sex like a man”. I decide how, when, where and with whom. No emotional strings. He’s great in bed and we’re incredibly compatible but I feel not the slightest need to take it anywhere beyond that. I adore handling things this way. Feeling things this way. Funnily enough, the man I dated whom I saw and wanted to lick all over, he is the one who I’m dating traditionally. Even kissing hasn’t been on the horizon with him yet.

I’m in charge. I’m beautiful. This is my show.

Was this what I set out for when I placed the ad? No. I had no plan except that I wanted to meet people who might find me attractive enough to date me and see where things go. I’m doing that now. I still want a relationship. Badly. I’m not too coy to admit it. But this? This is a good start. It’s a surprising start, to say the least. Maybe one of these men will be relationship-material. Maybe none of them will be. But I got a slew of new experiences out of this and I feel beautiful, inside and out.

I got to arch my back and stretch my legs lasciviously on a wooden table in a furniture store. I got to pout my lips and open my eyes big and see a man’s soul beg for mercy just because of that. I got a straight and sober Swiss to defile his workplace! I must be on to something. Hopefully, when I find it, I’ll know it and know how to cherish it.

Because that’s really all I want. An arched back, half-open lips and a love to cherish in my heart. What journey will take me there, remains to be seen.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

* names changed for the sake of their anonimity

Last week was hell on wheels. This week is better, objectively, but I’m not really feeling it. I should be happy that I got one of my term papers in and all my paperwork for my graduation in order and handed in. Instead, I can’t help but worry about those letters I still haven’t posted, these phone calls I need to return and the emails that need replying. And no matter how hard I try, the workload never seems to diminish. In fact, it’s reproducing like tribbles. Work at the call centre continues to bore me to tears. I think I’m not even doing that bad, as far as I can tell all my stats are ok. But the money I make there is negligible. I used to do well for myself in my ghostwriting days, but they are long gone. I wasn’t making a fortune, definitely not enough to put something aside (not with all the medical bills), but I wasn’t struggling either. I’m not even unhappy really about having to turn over every penny. I’m unhappy that this is another worry on top of a mountain of worries.

You may say life is not always about being happy. And you’d be right. But it can’t be about being this unhappy either.

I look to my friends for comfort and they offer much, but they can’t make me love myself.

So often, I think “Just take control. Start loving yourself. As evidenced by your friends’ repeated comments, you are not the ugliest person to have ever walked the planet. Take control. Stop whining, adjust to your appearance and be proud of what you have now, just work with what you have and when that has changed, work with whatever has come out of that. Just take control.” But I feel as big as a pebble, facing down the Himalayas.

It sounds desperate, and maybe it is, but the simple fact is this: I need love. Not more love than my family or friends give me, just a different type of love. Regularly now, I dream of being in relationships. I am wearing blue dresses and the person I’m with is kind and caring and when we kiss, the world around us vanishes for a split second. When I wake up, all I’m left with is an overwhelming feeling of sadness mixed with longing. I hate feeling that. I hate having to feel that instead of getting what everybody else seems to have: love. Kisses, cuddles, love. I am literally starved for cuddles. Of course, all this doesn’t help. Nobody wants someone who needs love so badly that some days, it’s like they can’t even think straight. Desperation is not sexy. But after five years of celibacy, how do you not become desperate? How do you keep living for yourself and being all happy and relaxed just enjoying your own company?

I have no problem with my own company. Similarly, I don’t equate love with being-together-24/7 and welcome independence in a partner. I’m happy to buy my bras alone, go to the movies by myself and spend an hour just playing with some makeup. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate someone to go grocery shopping with me, or to cook with or to read to, at night, before we go to sleep.

Every day, I see things I want to share. Not with friends, not with Twitter, not on this blog. With a partner. That flower floating in the lake. Those bats against the sunset. That special shade of twilight blue. The milkrice that turned out so horrible it was funny. My glistening shower that I spent an hour scrubbing with a toothbrush. My term paper in all its glory before I hand it in.

Is there really no one out there, not one person? What do I have to do? And please don’t tell me I need to stop stressing and it’ll happen in its own time. That just stresses me out more because I’m trying to figure out what and when that “own time” is. It’s too late for those cliché bits of advice to have any effect. I’m not even in that category anymore.

I just want to be a little less unhappy. I want a sweet, polite Irishman with a grizzled reddish beard to laugh at my silly jokes and sit next to me simply because he wanted to. I want the hands of that strapping Swiss cupping my cheeks and kissing me. I want to fall off the bed laughing with my best friend whom I’m also in love with. I want to discover what he loves and make it my own.

To all of you out there reading this who have someone like that: don’t take it for granted.

Looking into her eyes, melting inside at the sound of his voice, staring at her perfect lips while she speaks, secretly smelling his cushion after he left for work, cleaning up the mess she made in the kitchen, organising his desk, watering her plants and feeding his goldfish while he’s on a business trip. These are things some people would kill for. Treasure them as you treasure your own life.

I probably wouldn’t even think about my workload and my financial woes if I had someone’s goldfish to take care of. Seriously.

Instead, I’m reduced to this. A pathetic, whining blogger, forlorn and alone in the universe. I’m aware I’m not a pretty picture right now. But at least I’m an honest one. Right now, that seems the best and most I can do. For better or worse.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

1) What is your favourite sexual position?

2) How did your worst breakup unfold?

3) What is the strangest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

4) Where did you lose your virginity?

5) What’s your idea of taking a walk on the wild side?

6) Who is the one person you would NOT hold open the door for?

7) Please use this space to draw your current state of mind:

8) Hey dude – how’s it hanging?

9) What would you do if there were no tomorrow?

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

I’ve cut back on all but the essentials. I’ve made a monthly budget plan. I haven’t bought new DVDs, makeup, cosmetics, clothes or anything else like that since the summer. I spent a few weeks at my parents’ in August and made sure then that I bought whatever of those articles I’d need until Spring. When I watch something new now, it’s on the net. I’ve been to the cinema (paid for, not press screenings) exactly once in Zurich this year. I can’t remember any other year in my life where I haven’t been to the cinema at least 3 times a month in the city I live in. Don’t get me wrong, I can handle that, I’m not complaining per se. I just want you to know a few of these facts that make up my life right now. What I am saying is: I’m being a really good girl. And still it never seems to be enough. There’s always more rent, more medical bills, more school bills, phone bills and whatever else to pay. I just shelled out around 180€ altogether just to get all my identity papers (Swiss and German) up to date, just so I can frickin’ stay in this country legally and also retain my European citizenship. I’m not really eating out. When I do I make sure I get the cheapest thing, like a sandwich, or I just get some iced tea.

Today I went grocery shopping. My budget for that is 50 CHF a week. It used to be around 100 CHF whenever I went shopping for enough groceries to last me about a week and a half. I didn’t manage to stick to the budget. I overstepped by 11 CHF. Still, it’s progress I suppose. I’ve gotten all the discount-shopping-points cards you can get around here. I hope it saves me some money over time.

A friend has asked me if I wanted to help her with a language degree thingy. I’ve been so busy I haven’t even gotten around to discussing it with her properly. Just another thing I really have to get on.

But speaking of friends, for all the bitching and moaning I’ve just done, I have to say I’ve got some amazing ones. It’s been a long recovery from all the backstabbing, badmouthing and petty grudge-holding that has gone on for two years now, following a simple misunderstanding at the school paper, where all my first Zurich friends used to be. But recovered I have. And I found some people I really love and know I can count on. Also, I’ve never been so spoiled by my friends than I have been lately. From lunches paid to smiles, hugs and sushi, it’s been surprisingly wonderful in the past months.

There’s my bestie, Jenny, who is, well, for lack of a better word… just the best. I can’t count the times she’s helped me out, made me laugh, kept me company and been a shoulder to cry on. We’ve even become swim buddies now. That’s right, we have started exercising together twice a week. She’s the only person who’s seen me naked in a long time. Literally. I know it may be weird to read this, but it’s kind of a thing with me. You all know the way I look. It’s not easy for me to drop my clothes, even in a taking-a-shower-at-the-pool kinda way. That I feel comfortable enough with her to do that speaks volumes about how good a person she is. How non-judgemental, caring and cool.

There’s also Rebekka. Rebekka, who has turned out to be my sister from another mother. She is the most sweet-natured soul I’ve ever encountered. Talented, beautiful, intelligent, funny and infinitely loving are just a few of the ways to describe my favourite half-pint in the world. We met over Twitter! She, Jenny, my parents and my doc are the only people who know how much I really pack onto a scale. Again, it’s that same trust issue as with the shower at the pool.

For these two wonderful women, I am so grateful there is no accurate scale to measure it that’s been invented.

And I guess… having them in my life is better than having money. Sure, money is a safety net. And I need it dearly. But so is friendship. And I need it emotionally.

Nevertheless, I cannot wait to finish school. This is definitely my last term. Everything’s been set in motion for it to be that way. But work at the call centre is still poisoning my soul one minute on the phone at a time. I cannot wait to finish with that too.  The money I make there is ridiculous. I think in Swiss terms, I’m actually below the poverty threshold (which is why I’m so, so, so, so, so, so lucky to have the flat I have!). I had a woman complain to me on the phone recently that she couldn’t donate more money because she was making 3400 CHF a month and was struggling to get by. I don’t even make a third of that right now.

Whatever the future holds, it has to be better than this.

Here’s what I want it to look like.

I want it filled with laughter and love. I want to feel my bare feet in summer grass and lie in a field with someone by my side, wearing a sleeveless dress. I want a home office with a big leather sofa and a big leather armchair to snuggle up in. I want that office filled with books, top to bottom. I want my own washing machine and dryer. I want a bath tub. I want an end of the month with a clear conscience. All my bills have been paid and I have 20 CHF left to blow on makeup.

I want a dog. I want to feel a giant lotus flower blossoming inside me, right under my bosom. I want sunshine radiating from my voice and cherry lips to kiss a girl with. I want my eyes to overflow with the beauty of a pretty woman’s deep blue eyes and a handsome man’s giant hands and firm tush.

I want to sing and dance in the rain. I want to go to the cinema. I want to paint someone’s face and make them happy, marvel at the transformation. I want to keep losing that weight. I want to find a pair of comfortable heels. I want to be as healthy as can be.

I want to give all this love that’s bottled up inside me against my will not just to that special someone but to everyone. I want to give back to my friends all that they have given me. It’s never going to be enough, but I want to at least make a dent in that debt of love.

I want to hold my parents in my arms more often. I want to drink Munich tap water more often.

I want to go on holiday someday. Like, really. Take two weeks or four. Go get pampered.

I want to stop planning ahead and have the literal and emotional means to live a decent life. ‘Cause this isn’t it. This poisonous limbo, this house of cards I’m balancing on my head while juggling chainsaws, it has to stop. It has to stop and never come back. I’m not an idiot. I know one can never stop watching finances, health and other stuff. But it can be easier than all this. It has to be possible to live with a little more peace of mind.

I pray that time will come for me too. And that this too, shall pass.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

My new semester has started and I’m back to working at the call centre. Semester starts used to thrill me but this one isn’t doing it. I have really interesting classes but all of them are extremely work-intensive, which doesn’t help with the fact that I have some papers and my thesis to write in addition to everything else. But I’m trying to pick myself up by the bootstraps every day anew and get the job done.

This only hurts a little bit. What comes next… moreso.

Working at the call centre again is crushing my soul. It’s not the people or the hours, it’s just the overall circumstance. I repeat the same lines to people for three and a half hours, three nights a week, and it’s just deadening me inside. The pay per hour is decent, yet I still barely make enough to make ends meet. Rationally, I know this isn’t as bad as all that. The hours work well with my studies’ schedule, I get most of my homework done while I’m there and it’s only until the end of my studies when I can finally set out to find a real, 100% job. It’s also good for me to meet new people and get out of the house more. Rationally, it’s kinda the perfect plan. Emotionally? Not so much. Emotionally, I’m just not used to it yet. Emotionally, well, right now I hate it. I try to think of it as me paying my dues. Like I think of living in this teeny apartment as paying my dues. I’m a student, still, and that’s what student life is supposed to be about. Small living space, student job with little pay and too much homework. That’s my spot right now.

I’m just ready for it to be over. I want nothing more than finally begin working full-time in a job I love. I’m hoping I can achieve that in 2012. If nothing else good happens in that year, I want it to be that. A full-time job. No more studies.

There’s many things I want in this life – not the least of which is immortality but that’s another pipedream for another day – but right now, it’s very simple. In the immediate future, I’d like a flat large enough for me to have an office in. Bedroom, office, kitchen and a bathroom with a tub. That’s what I want. I know I’m most likely confined to this flat for a while longer, but a girl can dream, right? My flat now isn’t so bad. At least I’m living alone and though rent is high, it’s lower than pretty much anything else in Zurich. Especially for a one-bedroom. I just feel so… trapped. I can taste that freedom that I’m hoping to achieve by February 2012 (if all goes according to plan, this is when I’ll graduate) and it’s making my stir-crazy that it’s not yet within my reach. I’m doing my utmost to get there but I feel so stuck. I’m not sure if I really am, I just feel like it.

Basically, I just want to feel unburdened, for once in my life. I want to hold that degree in my hand and know I don’t have to go back unless I want to. Know that now I can go conquer the working world. Know that I’ve made headway on the path to growing up for real, just a little bit more. Know that my parents can worry a little less about me making it in life.

I just want a little peace of mind. Maybe that’s impossible to reach, but it sure would be nice. With all that is withheld from me these days – love, health, financial security – I just want this little bit of peace. My degree. My golden ticket to a chaos I will have chosen. To better burdens. To a fuller life.

I need to take that giant rock off my back, crush it and make stepping stones out of it. It’s just so damn heavy.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

As you all probably know, I’m on the student council at my school. We are finally achieving our much-fought-for and eagerly awaited goal of remodeling and redecorating the student breakrooms. The aim is to make them cozier, more comfortable and yet also more inviting to learn, discuss and focus on the tasks at hand. We have put together an awesome concept that includes new furniture and repainting the most important spaces. But now I’d like to solicit your help!

There are a few things we’d still need that would help make it all come together perfectly. These include:

- tacks for pinwalls (I swear there are little trolls eating them every night)

- kitchen towels and hand towels

- a new microwave (new meaning “anything but the old groddy one we have now”)

- assorted mugs and silverware

- a few pretty jars and boxes for the donations to the tea fund and to hold the actual tea

- tea in sachets

- a few cushions (but only in shades of blue, beige, chocolate brown and white or my friend Andrea (also on the student council and our resident interior designer) will kill me for ruining the much-laboured-over colour concept)

If you guys have any of that stuff and would like to donate it and are living at a distance reasonable for me to pick up, we’d love to get those things to make our breakrooms perfect. When I first got on the student council many years ago, the remodeling was already a long-time issue. When I became president of the council and saw that we weren’t ever going to make progress with the architects (only partly their fault, since the building is too old and intricately build to just knock down walls willy-nilly) I changed the direction and went for mild remodeling and mostly redecorating. Last term I gave over my presidency to the ever amazing Klara because my time at the school is coming to an end and I have too much on my plate as it is. But I want this project’s achievement to be my legacy at the school. If nothing else, I want to be the one who initiated this much-needed change (Andrea tells me the decor has been the same for 20 years) and I want to see it through to completion. You can help!

And if you can’t, just cheer us on so it gets finished this term!

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

All this to say: I’ve never felt more welcome here.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

I’ve been up to so many shenanigans since I last posted. For one, I went to France (near Lille) to interview a friend of mine for my thesis and I had the most amazing three days of the year. Seriously, I’m sad to report it won’t get any better than this. We worked, visited lots of interesting places, saw movies, went to Sephora and even took one hour dips in their hot tub twice. I also met their daughter (“they” being my friend Francois and his great wife Nadine) Marion who is a hoot and a half. They welcomed me in their home with so much love, it’s wonderful to see that people aren’t always rotten backstabbing buggers but can actually be this delightfully sweet and caring. I’ve been invited to “come back each year!” and if I can at all, I will definitely do so. Films, Sephora, hot tub and yummy French food, what’s not to like?

At Sephora I finally got my very own Urban Decay Naked palette. I had been very sceptical about this palette for a long time because it’s essentially a palette full of nudes. But after seeing Kandee Johnson use it in new, original ways, I researched it some more and decided that I really, really liked the colours. Also, it’s a great bargain. You get 12 full size UD eyeshadows for 40€ (I got it for 36€ because Nadine has a discount card at Sephora!), whereas if you were to buy the shades individually, it’d tally up at 204€ for the 12 shades. I am never buying individual UD shades again if I can help it! (Not that I have much in the past, since UD isn’t sold here or in Germany – I have only two single eyeshadows from UD) Anyway, the Naked palette is amazing. The colours are vibrant, buttery soft and so easy to work with I literally couldn’t believe it. They blend, mix and apply so easily, it just blows my mind a little every time I use it. And lemme tell ya, not much surprises me in makeup these days. But this kind of find, this kind of product is one of the reasons I love makeup so much. It’s just pure joy to work (well, more like “play”) with! I think that since I got it, I’ve used the palette every time I’ve done my makeup. I love it so much, this may actually be one of the first eyeshadow products I’ll ever have to repurchase! I hope they never discontinue them! If they do, I’ll have to buy like a hundred of them to last me for the rest of my life!

In other news, I’m back to the grind come September 1st. I’m going back to job at the call centre because odly enough, money doesn’t grow on trees and it’s starting to be more than real tight around here. I saved up for two months so I could get the few things I needed/wanted at Sephora! I wish a job at Benefit Cosmetics that had been in view lately would have materialised, but it’s kinda stuck in production hell. The woman who’d be my boss wants me desperately, but her superiors insist that she doesn’t need an assistant. So back to the call centre it is. I’m not exactly making cartwheels of joy about this, but it’ll actually fit in well with my upcoming semester’s schedule. And if the Benefit job does happen at some point, I can still take it. What’s most important to me now is to fraking finish my studies. It’s more than time!

Other than trying to get about a million ducks in a row, which I won’t all list because I’m trying not to completely bore you to tears, I wanna share what I’m reading and listening to these days. I always like seeing/reading that about other people. It really tells you a lot about a person to know their musical and literature tastes.

So here’s what’s on my nightstand (and my bathroom) right now:

Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke – the man has such talent to find the perfect word to describe a certain thing or situation

Chapterhouse: Dune by Frank Herbert – just plucked it out of my shelf again last night, I love reading aloud from it

Stars Wars – Anatomy of a Saga by Laurent Jullier – this is a brilliant book but it’s a really difficult read, you have to concentrate so hard if you want to understand any of it and three pages feel like an entire book by any other author; so I’ve been at this for a while now, but I still enjoy it whenever I open it

Bayou Folk by Kate Chopin – I had to read The Awakening by Chopin for a client a few years ago and liked it so much I decided to get this collection of short stories

short stories by Dostojewski – (in a German translation) I usually really love short stories, they are my favourite type of literature, but these ones are a bit weird, I’m not sure I’m liking them too much

The Once and Future King by T.H. White – such an original way to portray the King Arthur story!

and in my bathroom: Warte, Bis Es Dunkel Wird by the late Michael Althen – a book of essays about why cinema is so beloved, this was my birthday present from my Dad this year and I find it a fascinating read; Althen is a master at capturing the fleeting emotions of any situation and naming what so often seems unnameable

(I also have a Mao biography in my bathroom but I can’t seem to get into right now, I’ve read maybe 150 pages so far and I really like the content, but it’s just such a freaking long book, something like 1500 pages and it often overwhelms me when I think about reading along some more)

And my August playlist on iTunes, without commentary:

Almost There from Disney’s The Princess and The Frog OST

Americano by Lady Gaga

Angel Town by Peter Cincotti

Bang A Gong by T-Rex

The Beautiful People from the Burlesque OST, sung by Christina Aguilera

Best of Me by Amanda Marshall

Bionic by Christina Aguilera

Born This Way by Lady Gaga

Center of the Sun by Conjure One

Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson

Cinema Italiano from the Nine OST, sung by Kate Hudson

Down in Mexico by The Coasters

Dynamite by Christina Aguilera

The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga

Express from the Burlesque OST, sung by Christina Aguilera

Firefly (Main Title) from the Firefly OST, sung (I think) by Sonny Rhodes

God’s Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash

Going North by Missy Higgins

Gordita by Shakira feat. Residente from Calle 13

Hair by Lady Gaga

Highway to Hell by AC/DC

Honey to the Bee by Billie Piper

I Am What I Am from La Cage aux Folles, sung by John Barrowman

I See the Light from the Tangled OST, sung by Mandy Moore and Zach Levi

Keeps Gettin’ Better by Christina Aguilera (ok, so I like her, shut up! she has a fantastic voice)

Lift Me Up by, you guessed it, Christina Aguilera

Love You Like a Love Song by Selena Gomez

Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless

My Girls by Christina Aguilera feat. Peaches

My Love is Pink by the Sugababes

New York City Lights by Sophie Ellis Bextor

Peachy by Missy Higgins

Pocketbook by Jennifer Hudson feat. Ludacris (this is an awesomely FUNNY song)

Prima Donna by Christina Aguilera

Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes

Short Change Hero by The Heavy

Single by Natasha Bedingfield

Something I Want from the Tangled OST, sung by Mandy Moore

Supersonic by Sophie Ellis Bextor (the PERFECT song for any geeky girl)

Tennessee Stud (live) by Johnny Cash

That Don’t Impress Me Much by Shania Twain

UBU by Peter Cincotti

Up! by Shania Twain

Welcome to Burlesque from the Burlesque OST, sung by Cher

You’re So Vain – a cover version from John Barrowman

Yoü & I by Lady Gaga (currently one of the songs I prefer singing when I feel down)

Down in New Orleans from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog OST

3 Spoons of Suga by the Sugababes

Rolling in the Deep by Adele

Everything is Ending by Chameleon Circuit

I’ll Be Waiting by Adele

Letters from the Sky by Civil Twilight

Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

Ave Maria Divita from the Bitch Slap OST, sung by America Olivo

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me from the Burlesque OST, sung by Cher

Sunset Boulevard sung by John Barrowman

Government Hooker by Lady Gaga

Nightminds by Missy Higgins

Bang Bang Bang by Selena Gomez (the only other song on her When the Sun Goes Down album that I like)

Jolene by Dolly Parton

That’s all for now folks!

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

After my big “I SHALL WRITE” announcement when I started The Golden Lasso back up, you’re probably thinking: umm, yeah, mission not quite accomplished yet, dollface. But what you see here is actually just the tippy-top of the iceberg. In fact, most of the stuff that actually gets published one way or the other (my column, my reviews, this blog) is just a portion of my overall writing output. I had significantly slacked off in the last months, but ever since I made my announcement, I’ve actually somewhat made good on my promise.

But here’s the thing: most things I write aren’t fit to be read. Either because I don’t deem them good enough or because they are way too personal. Another criterion would be “too sappy and ridiculous”. I write the occasional short story or poem but those are entirely therapeutic and if anyone ever saw that material, I’d probably have to kill them and then go die of shame in a corner. These texts might actually not be that bad style-wise (guess we’ll never know) but the content is just too… too. All I’ll reveal is that they contain the occasional heroic saving of one beautiful person/entity by another and, well, that ought to be enough to put you off wanting to know more.

My point is: I do write again. In fact, I’m surprised that I do. It’s nowhere near the level that I want and need to reach, but I’m doing a pitbull. I’m clamping down, not letting go and hoping I will reach my goal before this nasty thing called life shakes me off.

I do still need to get a better routine during the day. I so desperately want to! I’m not sure why this is so hard for me at the moment, but it is. It seems like it’s all I can do just to keep trying, every day anew.

In other news, I got my ears pierced and am on a new medication!

A week before my 26th birthday on July 5th – oh yeah, there was that too *sigh* – I decided to bite the bullet and finally get ‘em done. After Jess had said it was a minor procedure (I didn’t believe anyone until after I walked out of the piercing studio and had to admit, yes, it really is minor) and that it’d look good on me, I decided to take the plunge. I was out for lunch with my out-of-this-world-amazing-best-friend-I’ve-ever-had Jenny and told her I was seriously considering doing it and that I’d researched some places. She was instantly enthusiastic and said Jess was right, it would look so good on me! I said I would only do it if she came with me and held my hand the entire time. To which she only replied: “As long as I don’t have to get them pierced, anything darling.” And we were off! The guy at the piercing studio looked at me as if I were an alien when I told him what I was there for and that I had no other piercings or tattoos and that this was the first thing I ever got done. The girl who ended up piercing my ears was a sweetheart and looked like a Suicide Girl. Upon inspecting and prepping my earlobes, she said “You have perfect lobes for stretching, wouldn’t you rather do that?” (She herself had a stretched ear) Hell no! Not only do I not want to do anything that’s irreversible, I also don’t find it aesthetic. Yes, some people can pull it off, but I don’t ever think it actually looks good on someone. I then uttered the phrase “You know, this is my first time. Like a virgin.” I didn’t even say it in a particularly flirtatious way, it was more of a humorous remark to calm my growing nerves. She immediately jumped on board though. “Hehe”, she said with an evil chuckle, “I’ll be deflowering you then.” I grinned through the nerves: “Yes. Please be gentle.” Another evil giggle. “I will, don’t worry…” After we were done, she asked me if it had been good for me too. Finally someone who isn’t stuck up in this town! I could’ve smooched her right there.

And that’s how I got my ears pierced. My starter studs will be in there for at least two more weeks, so I haven’t bought any “real” earrings yet. I wanna wait a while longer with that. But I know exactly what kind I want: dangly and warrior-woman metal ethnic like. No coy pearls for me.

Speaking of warrior-woman. I so am one. Well, in my own mind at least. Why? Because me, the needle-phobic pussy, have mastered five consecutive days of taking my new medication. Which has to be injected. I am not happy about this type of administration, but it can’t be helped. And so, heroically, I’m doing it. Every day around 9pm, I stick myself in the thigh and inject 0.6mg of a clear liquid. This new medication is supposed to help me with the weight-loss I’m trying to get going. So far, it’s working okay, but no numbers are in yet, so I can’t really mention any concrete results. We’ll see what happens. It’s damn expensive, but I hope it will be worth it. I see it as an investment in my future. Thanks to this medication, which comes in a pen (you know, like an insulin pen for diabetics), I am now up to three pouches I carry in my handbag. One is my standard makeup bag, the other is now reserved for meds only, the third is my little weekly case of meds. I used to always carry a small amount of various meds with me in my makeup bag (not my regular stuff, but things like paracetamol, ibuprofen, charcoal, ginger powder, immodium in case of emergency) but now with the pen, which has an entourage of needle tips and disinfectant, there isn’t any more space. So I decided to relocate all those meds into their own pouch. Well, it’s actually an old MAC makeup bag, which is smaller than my regular one.

So there’s that.

Otherwise, I’ve been listening to a lot of new music. I’m not really hip to what’s in these days, since I don’t have a telly with MTV or Viva on it and only very, very marginally see stuff pop up on YouTube that interests me. Most of the music I discover these days comes from films and TV series. Usually, I’ll hear a song that I like and then look it up and if it can be found to download, I do that. Since music is love and I want to share the love, I thought I’d mention a few of the songs I can’t stop listening to at the moment. Let’s have a peek into my “July Sugar Mix” (I know I’m weird, I give my playlists strange names and always make a new one each month in addition to the regular ones.)

Everything is Ending by Chameleon Circuit

Chameleon Circuit is a band consisting of various YouTube musicians from London. They make songs about plotlines and scenes from the British series Doctor Who. I’ve never understood the appeal of Doctor Who. I’ve never made it through an entire episode and I don’t get why it’s almost a religion for certain people. All I see is a series with no production value. I mean, have you seen how cheap and tacky everything on this show looks? It’s the 21st century and their stuff looks like… if Star Trek: The Original Series and the Teletubbies had had a child. In the 70s. BUT… Chameleon Circuit’s Everything is Ending is a beautiful, beautiful song. You don’t necessarily need to know what the inspiration for the song was, it stands very well on its own too. I think Bryarly’s voice is much too high (and she seems to have very little range) but I love Alex’ singing and the melody and lyrics are just stunning.

Here it is:

Love You Like a Love Song by Selena Gomez & The Scene

Ok, don’t shoot me right away. I initially stumbled upon the video to this song because I saw a still of it and was intrigued by the makeup Selena was wearing. And then it turned out to be a really, really catchy song! Up until then, all I knew was that there was a girl called Selena Gomez who existed and is dating Justin Bieber (I skim gossip blog headlines, so sue me). I didn’t even know she made music. Turns out, this is kind of a nice song! And she has suuuuuch a pretty face, it slays me. I don’t like her twig-like body, she really is way too thin (her legs have the circumference of my wrists by the look of it) but she does have a stunning face. I downloaded the album this song is a part of and have to admit, the rest of the album is not to my liking at all. But this song is!

For those too lazy to seek it out themselves, have a listen right here:

Americano by Lady Gaga

I love the Born This Way album. And this song is the best one on it, if you ask me. Leave it to Lady Gaga to make a song about illegal immigration AND gay rights. To a mariachi rhythm. It’s hard to describe how great this song is and I recommend reading the lyrics along when you listen the first time. It’s just a fierce battle hymn. It’s original and unexpected and still sweetly tender at times. My favourite bit of it is right at the beginning: “I met a girl in East L.A. / In floral shorts, as sweet as May / She sang in eights in two Barrio chords / We fell in love but not in court” Wonderful, wonderful track.

Short Change Hero by The Heavy

This is one of those that comes from an episode of Supernatural (I think) that I recently saw. I love the chorus especially. It’s not a very elaborate song, but it strikes a chord with me. Maybe because it’s about helping someone selflessly, without being a hero, just doing it.

Letters from the Sky by Civil Twilight

This plays in the last scene of the movie I Am Number Four. It’s a beautiful love song about pain and two people being destined to be together. It’s one of those rare songs that make you believe that there truly could be someone out there for you, someone to save you and for you to save. And that it’s ok to be saved and save right back. The lyrics also remind me of the scene in Conan the Barbarian where Valeria comes back from the dead to protect Conan one last time and she’s glistening in the sun. I am in love with this song right now. In no small part, this is also due to the fact that I Am Number Four, while not being an extraordinarly original movie, somehow triggered me to write more personal material at the moment. Just a few images and this song touched something deep within me and before I knew it, I was typing away at a story. So, that’s pretty amazing.

That’s it for now folks!

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

But what would be my 5 most meaningful books? Books that really made a difference in my life? I started to wonder about this as I read through Amanda Peet’s, John Cusack’s, Jennifer Garner’s and Ben Affleck’s answers. So I tried to find an answer. This is what I came up with.

1) Dune by Frank Herbert

I’ve read this book so many times I’ve lost count. It’s not just my most loved sci-fi book, it’s definitely one of my most loved books, period. The story is intricate, the characters are so vividly painted, they instantly become people you feel like you know. The universe Herbert creates is so vast and mysterious and ruthless, it takes my breath away. In all the years I’ve been reading, I’ve never discovered another author who could create worlds as well as Herbert did. Asimov’s Foundation saga doesn’t even come close and that’s saying something, considering how great Asimov is at creating his own universe. Dune has touched me on many levels. I love the female characters in the book(s) especially. They are all so strong, even in their weaknesses, and they are women to the fullest, yet they are so much more as well. Dune is also an allegory, reflecting our times and our mistakes and stubborness as human beings. But it’s a really powerful allegory without being blatant about it. Finally, Dune is about fighting and protecting what we love. It depicts many no-holds-barred fights, of physical, mental and emotional natures. I admire that, I think. I wish my fighting power was better.

2) Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

This play was the first I ever read by Shakespeare and it made me fall in love with him. I think I was 10 or 11 the first time I read it and though it was difficult because I didn’t understand many of the expressions, the beauty of the language got through to me even then. For a while in my teens, I used to learn entire passages off by heart, simply because I found them so beautiful. I still know a lot of them. But Romeo and Juliet is about more than beautiful language. It’s about all-encompassing, all-destroying, all-conquering love. To some it may seem over the top in its tragedy, but to me, this is what love really feels like. I think Shakespeare captured the essence of true love in this play and that’s what gets me every time. I’ve had to read this play in highschool and later in life for work and I am baffled, every time, by how much there is to discover in it. You can spend days on a single page and find a whole treasure trove of emotions, intelligent story-telling, incredible characters and wonderful language. Every scene, every image is sheer genius and perfection, yet it also functions flawlessly as a whole. Romeo and Juliet is not only my favourite play by Shakespeare, so far it’s also my favourite play ever.

3) Eva Luna by Isabel Allende

I had a hard time deciding which Allende novel to name here. It feels like all that I’ve read from her is so important to me. I finally settled on naming Eva Luna because it helped me through hard times when I was in Egypt. I had it with me while I was working there and although things were amazing overall, they weren’t always peachy on a day-to-day basis. Eva Luna had a few quotes in it that I wrote down and stuck on my tiny steel wardrobe’s doors, so that I would see them every time I was in the room, most importantly when going to bed at night and waking up in the morning. I don’t think anybody who came in my room ever understood why I had these quotes written out in big bold letters. They did help me hang on though. The entire book did. In my mind’s eye, Eva is more like an angel or a fairy than she is a human being. Her innate wisdom affects all around her and everything she does and it also affects the reader. Isabel Allende is an incredible story-teller (like Eva) and again, she is one of those authors you can read sentence by sentence and savour those images for hours. But her overall story arcs are so well-executed, it always blows my mind a little. I thank whatever gods may be that I discovered Isabel Allende’s writings. I wouldn’t be the same person without them. They have taught me so much about love, battling hardships, compassion and the strength that lies in not just watching the world go by, but seeing it. She is also someone who records her family’s history and who has found deep wisdom and love in doing so. I don’t really feel like I know much about my family’s history – something I miss – and I suppose that’s part of why I find hers so interesting and important.

4) Le Cinéma selon Alfred Hitchcock by François Truffaut

This was one of the first books about film-making I ever read and it’s still the best one. I’ve read it countless times and find more interesting content in it every time. The whole book is Truffaut interviewing Hitchcock about his craft and his films. It never ceases to amaze me, the things the man thought of while making his movies. I love the book especially because I believe it’s made me a better film critic, columnist and just plain journalist. Knowing what a director might pay attention to, what kind of decisions are consciously made and why, helps when assessing films from the outside. The more you know about a subject, from any point of view from those involved, the better you are then at writing about it. I feel like I see many more things when I watch a movie because of all the film books, documentaries and commentaries I’ve read and watched so far. This book definitely was a turning point in my cinematographic education. Not only was it eye and mind-opening, it’s also extremely well-written and entertaining. Truffaut’s interview technique, from a journalistic point of view, also has a lot of merit and is something that I now know to appreciate more.

5) The Last Question by Isaac Asimov

While this technically isn’t a full book, but a short story, I felt I had to include it as it is one of those stories that changed the way I looked at things. The Last Question tells the story of a populated universe’s evolution, both of its inhabitants (machine and carnal) and the universe itself. It challenges everything we think we know about evolution and creation and although it answers the story’s core question – how can entropy be reversed? – it is precisely that answer that leaves the reader with a million more philosophical, even theological, questions to ponder. Asimov’s short stories, in my opinion, are better than his novels and The Last Question is, from what I’ve read of him, the best he ever wrote. I admire how concise he is, yet how stringently he pursues his story line and how much suspense he is able to introduce in only a few pages. This short story, despite it repetitive configuration, always grips me. It also makes me want to be a better writer.

Bonus item: the complete works of the Comtesse de Ségur. She wrote children’s books in the 19th century that weren’t simple, thin books but real novels with “normal” (i.e. not child-oriented) language. I learned to read with her novels and they taught me high-brow French from the get-go. You see, her writing style is the way people of the upper classes talked and read back then, so it’s full of subjunctives and intelligent words. Having the opportunity to read her works improved, of that I am sure, my natural talent for languages. I still enjoy her novels, simply for the language and the accurate, vivid depiction of the lives of nobles back then. She is not only a great story-teller, she also, through her novels, chronicled the most historically accurate accounts of everyday life in 19th century France. And that’s not just me saying that, it’s a fact. I have much amour for Sophie, Comtesse de Ségur.

What are your five most meaningful books?

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

picture by Art Fram, source here