This too, shall pass…

22 Oct 2011 1 Comment

by nyota0uhura in Uncategorized

I’m feeling blue. Bills are stacking up, becoming the bane of my existence. I do my best to keep up and work enough hours every week to cover everything, but it never seems like it’s enough. I’m gonna talk money here, so if that’s dirty to you, you might wanna skip this post.

I’ve cut back on all but the essentials. I’ve made a monthly budget plan. I haven’t bought new DVDs, makeup, cosmetics, clothes or anything else like that since the summer. I spent a few weeks at my parents’ in August and made sure then that I bought whatever of those articles I’d need until Spring. When I watch something new now, it’s on the net. I’ve been to the cinema (paid for, not press screenings) exactly once in Zurich this year. I can’t remember any other year in my life where I haven’t been to the cinema at least 3 times a month in the city I live in. Don’t get me wrong, I can handle that, I’m not complaining per se. I just want you to know a few of these facts that make up my life right now. What I am saying is: I’m being a really good girl. And still it never seems to be enough. There’s always more rent, more medical bills, more school bills, phone bills and whatever else to pay. I just shelled out around 180€ altogether just to get all my identity papers (Swiss and German) up to date, just so I can frickin’ stay in this country legally and also retain my European citizenship. I’m not really eating out. When I do I make sure I get the cheapest thing, like a sandwich, or I just get some iced tea.

Today I went grocery shopping. My budget for that is 50 CHF a week. It used to be around 100 CHF whenever I went shopping for enough groceries to last me about a week and a half. I didn’t manage to stick to the budget. I overstepped by 11 CHF. Still, it’s progress I suppose. I’ve gotten all the discount-shopping-points cards you can get around here. I hope it saves me some money over time.

A friend has asked me if I wanted to help her with a language degree thingy. I’ve been so busy I haven’t even gotten around to discussing it with her properly. Just another thing I really have to get on.

But speaking of friends, for all the bitching and moaning I’ve just done, I have to say I’ve got some amazing ones. It’s been a long recovery from all the backstabbing, badmouthing and petty grudge-holding that has gone on for two years now, following a simple misunderstanding at the school paper, where all my first Zurich friends used to be. But recovered I have. And I found some people I really love and know I can count on. Also, I’ve never been so spoiled by my friends than I have been lately. From lunches paid to smiles, hugs and sushi, it’s been surprisingly wonderful in the past months.

There’s my bestie, Jenny, who is, well, for lack of a better word… just the best. I can’t count the times she’s helped me out, made me laugh, kept me company and been a shoulder to cry on. We’ve even become swim buddies now. That’s right, we have started exercising together twice a week. She’s the only person who’s seen me naked in a long time. Literally. I know it may be weird to read this, but it’s kind of a thing with me. You all know the way I look. It’s not easy for me to drop my clothes, even in a taking-a-shower-at-the-pool kinda way. That I feel comfortable enough with her to do that speaks volumes about how good a person she is. How non-judgemental, caring and cool.

There’s also Rebekka. Rebekka, who has turned out to be my sister from another mother. She is the most sweet-natured soul I’ve ever encountered. Talented, beautiful, intelligent, funny and infinitely loving are just a few of the ways to describe my favourite half-pint in the world. We met over Twitter! She, Jenny, my parents and my doc are the only people who know how much I really pack onto a scale. Again, it’s that same trust issue as with the shower at the pool.

For these two wonderful women, I am so grateful there is no accurate scale to measure it that’s been invented.

And I guess… having them in my life is better than having money. Sure, money is a safety net. And I need it dearly. But so is friendship. And I need it emotionally.

Nevertheless, I cannot wait to finish school. This is definitely my last term. Everything’s been set in motion for it to be that way. But work at the call centre is still poisoning my soul one minute on the phone at a time. I cannot wait to finish with that too.  The money I make there is ridiculous. I think in Swiss terms, I’m actually below the poverty threshold (which is why I’m so, so, so, so, so, so lucky to have the flat I have!). I had a woman complain to me on the phone recently that she couldn’t donate more money because she was making 3400 CHF a month and was struggling to get by. I don’t even make a third of that right now.

Whatever the future holds, it has to be better than this.

Here’s what I want it to look like.

I want it filled with laughter and love. I want to feel my bare feet in summer grass and lie in a field with someone by my side, wearing a sleeveless dress. I want a home office with a big leather sofa and a big leather armchair to snuggle up in. I want that office filled with books, top to bottom. I want my own washing machine and dryer. I want a bath tub. I want an end of the month with a clear conscience. All my bills have been paid and I have 20 CHF left to blow on makeup.

I want a dog. I want to feel a giant lotus flower blossoming inside me, right under my bosom. I want sunshine radiating from my voice and cherry lips to kiss a girl with. I want my eyes to overflow with the beauty of a pretty woman’s deep blue eyes and a handsome man’s giant hands and firm tush.

I want to sing and dance in the rain. I want to go to the cinema. I want to paint someone’s face and make them happy, marvel at the transformation. I want to keep losing that weight. I want to find a pair of comfortable heels. I want to be as healthy as can be.

I want to give all this love that’s bottled up inside me against my will not just to that special someone but to everyone. I want to give back to my friends all that they have given me. It’s never going to be enough, but I want to at least make a dent in that debt of love.

I want to hold my parents in my arms more often. I want to drink Munich tap water more often.

I want to go on holiday someday. Like, really. Take two weeks or four. Go get pampered.

I want to stop planning ahead and have the literal and emotional means to live a decent life. ‘Cause this isn’t it. This poisonous limbo, this house of cards I’m balancing on my head while juggling chainsaws, it has to stop. It has to stop and never come back. I’m not an idiot. I know one can never stop watching finances, health and other stuff. But it can be easier than all this. It has to be possible to live with a little more peace of mind.

I pray that time will come for me too. And that this too, shall pass.

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna

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