That’s my spot.
24 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
Hello my lovelies!
My new semester has started and I’m back to working at the call centre. Semester starts used to thrill me but this one isn’t doing it. I have really interesting classes but all of them are extremely work-intensive, which doesn’t help with the fact that I have some papers and my thesis to write in addition to everything else. But I’m trying to pick myself up by the bootstraps every day anew and get the job done.
This only hurts a little bit. What comes next… moreso.
Working at the call centre again is crushing my soul. It’s not the people or the hours, it’s just the overall circumstance. I repeat the same lines to people for three and a half hours, three nights a week, and it’s just deadening me inside. The pay per hour is decent, yet I still barely make enough to make ends meet. Rationally, I know this isn’t as bad as all that. The hours work well with my studies’ schedule, I get most of my homework done while I’m there and it’s only until the end of my studies when I can finally set out to find a real, 100% job. It’s also good for me to meet new people and get out of the house more. Rationally, it’s kinda the perfect plan. Emotionally? Not so much. Emotionally, I’m just not used to it yet. Emotionally, well, right now I hate it. I try to think of it as me paying my dues. Like I think of living in this teeny apartment as paying my dues. I’m a student, still, and that’s what student life is supposed to be about. Small living space, student job with little pay and too much homework. That’s my spot right now.
I’m just ready for it to be over. I want nothing more than finally begin working full-time in a job I love. I’m hoping I can achieve that in 2012. If nothing else good happens in that year, I want it to be that. A full-time job. No more studies.
There’s many things I want in this life – not the least of which is immortality but that’s another pipedream for another day – but right now, it’s very simple. In the immediate future, I’d like a flat large enough for me to have an office in. Bedroom, office, kitchen and a bathroom with a tub. That’s what I want. I know I’m most likely confined to this flat for a while longer, but a girl can dream, right? My flat now isn’t so bad. At least I’m living alone and though rent is high, it’s lower than pretty much anything else in Zurich. Especially for a one-bedroom. I just feel so… trapped. I can taste that freedom that I’m hoping to achieve by February 2012 (if all goes according to plan, this is when I’ll graduate) and it’s making my stir-crazy that it’s not yet within my reach. I’m doing my utmost to get there but I feel so stuck. I’m not sure if I really am, I just feel like it.
Basically, I just want to feel unburdened, for once in my life. I want to hold that degree in my hand and know I don’t have to go back unless I want to. Know that now I can go conquer the working world. Know that I’ve made headway on the path to growing up for real, just a little bit more. Know that my parents can worry a little less about me making it in life.
I just want a little peace of mind. Maybe that’s impossible to reach, but it sure would be nice. With all that is withheld from me these days – love, health, financial security – I just want this little bit of peace. My degree. My golden ticket to a chaos I will have chosen. To better burdens. To a fuller life.
I need to take that giant rock off my back, crush it and make stepping stones out of it. It’s just so damn heavy.
Live long and prosper, peace,
Anna
Oy to the poodles, already!