Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, folks.

I’ve been at my parents’ house in Munich for the past few weeks and whenever I’m here, I just use the computer a lot less and never really feel like blogging much (though I don’t know why that is, since in actuality, there would always be a ton to blog about when I’m here). I’m leaving for Zurich for a couple of days, tonight, because I’m getting checked out by yet another set of doctors. My main doctor says she’s not sure that the Hashimoto’s is all I have, since my symptoms are still present and still strong. She says a lot more positive stuff should have happened to my body since I started the Hashimoto meds and since that’s not the case, I need to get more exams and figure out what’s what. Maybe it’s just the Hashimoto that really has me in its death grip and it’s nothing else, maybe it’s the Hashimoto and some other as yet undiscovered problems which need to be found. So I’ll be in the clinic on Tuesday to be prodded and probed until my body finally gives it all up. Woohoo. Not. While I was here in Munich I also went to the dermatologist and the gynecologist because I’ve been having troubles in these areas as well. Turns out I do indeed have problems that I need to address. I’ve got three creams for my skin which have done wonders so far and I’m also taking meds to address womanly issues that I’ll spare you the details of. ‘Cause that’s just the kind of responsible, non-gross blogger I am. I’m so great, no?

It’s weird getting used to being chronically ill. I’ve seen my father go through it but in a strange way, I never really understood what a chronic illness entails until I was struck by one as well (though mine isn’t nearly as inconveniencing as my father’s, bless him). I think I just kinda figured that you took meds  and went to the doctor’s regularly. Now that I have to do that as well, I realise it’s much more than that. In essence, of course, it is taking meds and going to the doc’s. But when you have to take a myriad of pills each day, remember to put cream on your face four times a day, schedule appointments, go to them, etc, etc, it starts being a lot. It seems to me like there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to take my meds. I’m glad, of course, to know what I’ve got and to finally, after 11 years of needless suffering, be able to take on this disease and fight it. But the fight is emotionally exhausting and mentally draining. My dad says I’m a strong person and I’ll get through it but there are days where I have serious doubts.

My stay with my parents is bitter-sweet as well. I came here to help them out and have them pamper me a bit as well but somehow, it’s all gone a bit sour, a bit south. It’s like we took up some nefarious dynamics again, that are a lot like they were before I moved out. I’m also to blame for this but I’m not liking the atmosphere here right now. My dad is being gracious with me but my mum is being grumpy and aggravated. My parents have both been under a lot of stress in the past months but I’m seriously beginning to doubt that coming here was such a great idea. There were a lot of things I originally wanted to do but that I procrastinated about and they didn’t like that. They’ve also gotten into their heads that I have ambitions to educate my brother while I’m here, which came out of me actually wanting to shield my dad from my brother’s constant misbehavings. That backfired a lot and since then, it’s been pretty tense here. Maybe leaving for a couple of days will help but I’m not sure. I think my mum doesn’t really want me here anymore. She is just exasperated with me and if I so much as mention my brother’s name in front of her, she immediately frowns and basically tells me to back the fuck off. I do want to come back to Munich until my semester starts but as I said, the vibe my mum is giving off is that she’d rather not have me come back. The thing is, I miss my family so much when I’m away, especially my dad! I can’t bear the thought of theoretically being able to see him and not doing it. I’m just sad that my relationship with my mother had improved so much over the past years and now, it seems like we are regressing back to the time before I moved out, where we really just couldn’t live together anymore. We are all, my mum, my dad and me, tired, stressed, on the edge. We all have a part in this dynamic but I want out of it. I’m just not sure whether I can break it by staying, by leaving or if it’s unbreakable. It just makes me sad. Especially with my mum, whom I see and hear even less than my dad because she’s always so busy, it makes me sad to have seemingly lost the fragile, basic bond that we have worked so hard on tending to. I’m sad.

Anyway, I’m off to Zurich in a few hours, by a train that will hopefully get there because everything is drowning in snow and icy glop. Maybe it’ll be a little more bearable when I get back. Maybe I’ll also know more about what other wonkiness my body is up to. I’m scared of them finding more shit wrong with me. I can’t stand myself as it is, I’m actually grossed out by how I look, function and am right now. More of the same is not what I need right now. The only hope I have is that they might be able, after the tests, to help me loose the weight I need to loose for medical reasons. Welcome to my winter wonderland.

Live long and prosper, all ye blessed with good health, peace,

Anna

ps: how do you like the new look? I’m totally digging this new WP theme!

I could have been a sailor, could have been a cook / A real live lover, could have been a book…

It’s meme time again here at the Golden Lasso! I stumbled upon this fun site and found a really cool meme on it. And precisely because it’s not one of those that tag people but leave them be, I decided to do it. I love memes, so sue me. I adapted it slightly (as in: I left some questions that I just didn’t get out) but it’s not worse for the wear. Enjoy and maybe have fun doing it yourself!

1) When you were in the womb, what was the weird food your mother craved?

I don’t remember my mother mentioning that but now I’m curious and I’ll ask her the next time we talk on the phone. The weirdest thing my mother did while involved in conceiving me was actually her antics to conceive me. She basically did handstands in order to make 200% sure I’d stick and stay. It’s nice to be wanted, isn’t it?

2) Do you own a pair of cargo pants?

Right off the bat, I have to say I love this meme. It’s so delightfully whimsical! So while I have no idea what interesting, study-worthy personality this question is getting at: yes, I own a pair. I like cargo pants. So many pockets! Mine is chocolate brown. Funnily enough, I managed to rip off half the buttons on these pockets in the short time I’ve had this pair. I don’t know why either.

3) Which present of a prospective suitor would most impress you?

a) jewelry

b) flowers

c) shoes

d) a book token

e) an erotically shaped vegetable

f) other (please specify)

Jewelry? I wouldn’t expect jewelry from a suitor unless we were getting engaged or married. That rule applies to new jewelry. Jewelry bought specifically for me. It’s a whole different ballpark if the suitor gives me a piece of jewelry that belongs to him/her and wants me to wear it. Then I’ll take it with great joy and humility. It happened to me once with my first boyfriend. He gave me a bracelet (one of those rubber bracelets against racism, remember when those were en vogue for about 2 seconds?) he never took off. Well, he took it off for me and I didn’t take it off until the day we broke up. I loved that thing man, as much as I did him. I have it carefully stashed away in a memory box. Flowers? I have never gotten flowers (I know, how sad am I?) from a suitor but I would really, really, really love it. There’s something so magical and pure about flowers. To any future suitors reading this blog: my favourite flowers are Casablanca lillies. Shoes? I would be majorly creeped out if anyone bought me shoes. That’s personal dude, I’m embarassed when I go shoe-shopping for myself alone, so don’t you go doing it for me. Yuck. *makes wretching sound* A book token? In theory, not a bad idea a book. But I wouldn’t want a token. That’s cheap. I would want the person to get me a book I’ve either mentioned wanting or that they think I would enjoy. Even if he/she then completely misses the mark, it’s still better than a token. Vegetable? Are there seriously people who bring their dates veggies? My pick out of those options: f. If you really wanna get me something, get me a DVD. And if you really want to make me love you forever and ever, get me an actual celluloid copy of a trailer or film.

4) Which acting parts were you forced to play on stage back in school?

I don’t remember ever being forced to play something, though I did do a number of plays during my school years and even after. While in school I played: Spring (I got to say a poem about how the French words “toujours” and “jamais” always have an “s” at the end – no, I don’t know what that has to do with Spring either), the goddess Athena, a 50-something bourgeois husband (my wife was so lovely, I got to twirl her around) and a troubadour. While playing Athena, my toga came undone and I stood in my undies in front of the entire primary school. I was humiliated and I never heard the end of it. But I still kept on playing theatre! I still would if I had the time.

5) What totally fucking freaks you out and leaves you whimpering for your mother?

Spiders and anything needly/syringey. But spiders are worse because I actually have to face them alone, whereas when I get an injection or they take blood, at least there’s the doc there to talk to me so I don’t faint.

6) How many fluffy, rubbery, plastic wind up, edible or just plain strange creatures inhabit your personal workspace and what are they?

Eight. One is a mini statue of Piglet holding a balloon on a spring that I got many, many years ago at Disneyland Paris. I have an unnatural love for Piglet and used to collect plushie piglets. He just always makes me smile when I look at him on my windowsill. Another inhabitant of that windowsill is a little guardian angel holding a big red heart. I got that from one of my close friends at the hospital, back in 2005. She gave it to me as a parting gift and while I always found those corny as hell, now that I have one it comforts me and I love it. There’s also a tiny plushie dog on a keyring that a sweet, innocent, pudgy boy of 15 named Joe (well, that’s what we nicknamed him anyway) gave to me when I was discharged from the hospital. He once walked in on me and my then-boyfriend making out half naked. I thought it was hilarious but my ex was so scared, he almost jumped through the roof and got really angry at poor Joe while he ushered him out of the room. Yeah, I got down and dirty in hospital. It was great. But Joe still loved me enough to give me a farewell gift. Isn’t that wonderful? Joe was cool. Next to angel and the plushie dog, there’s another hospital farewell gift by yet another fellow patient. This was a woman in her late fifties who had a terribly deformed spine which caused her pain, which in turn made her depressed a lot of the time. And yet, she could still be everybody else’s sunshine. She had such strength and an inner glow but I don’t think she even knew it. She used to make lacquered clay animals statuettes that she would sell at local artisan’s markets. She made a pair of owls that she surprised me with the day I left. She said they would calm me when I needed it and protect me. And you know what? They do. I also have a teeny-tiny carved wooden elephant. He is a marketing product of one of the NGOs I used to work for at the call-centre (that’s right, I’m done with that!). I like him because he’s smooth to the touch and he reminds me never to forget all the pain and suffering that so many other people go through and how so many others have it worse than I do. In the same spirit, I have a snowglobe with a golden Buddha in it. He’s surrounded by golden “snowflakes” and small golden coins. I bought that in 2001, when the Taliban destroyed the Bahmian Buddha statues. I was heartbroken to hear of that mindless destruction of invaluable artifacts that meant so much to so many people. And the final piece I have in my workspace is a black, wooden figurine representing an Ancient Egyptian Seth creature. It’s a kind of dog with long pointy ears, lying down on a throne. One of its ears broke off at the top but I still love it so much. I got it in Egypt while I was working there. One night, I was taking the ferry back to the West Bank alone and there were two little boys, maybe 5 and 8 years old, sitting next to me, a big, seemingly heavy cardboard box between them. They were talking in hushed voices and seemed a little anxious. Then the older one turned to me and timidly asked me what time it was, in Arabic. Fearing that I wouldn’t understand, he mimed looking at a watch several times. I smiled at him and gave him the time, in Arabic. I was very proud and endlessly grateful that my workers had just taught me how to tell time in Arabic. The two boys were really taken aback, they hadn’t expected that. The little one giggled and then they talked between themselves again. Suddenly, the little one reached into the depths of his cardboard box and pulled out the little wooden figurine. He held it out to me in the palm of his hand, shyly but eager for me to take it at the same time. “Here we go again, the time thing was just a trick to get my attention and get me to buy something from them” I thought. This happened a lot on those ferries. Foreigners were constantly approached and asked if they wanted to buy something, from paper tissues to alabaster statuettes. I shook my head in consternation, I didn’t have any money on me that night, though for once I think I might have actually been moved to buy the damn thing. I told them in rudimentary Arabic that I didn’t have money on me. I even went as far as turning out my pockets and letting them peek inside my wallet. “No, no, you got it wrong” the older boy said as the younger boy’s face dropped. He whispered a word into his young friend’s (or was it a brother?) ear. The littlun stretched out his arm again, figurine offered to me. “Present” he said in English with a sweet accent. “Present!” “Are you sure?” “Aywa, present!” The older one nodded, confirming the veracity of the word. I gave them a big smile and took the present. “Shukran” – thank you. The two boys beamed at me, then sat back down next to me. When we got off the ferry, they hurried away into the dark night and were gone in an instant. The next day, I looked at the figurine in broad daylight. It had some uneven spots, a few mis-carves here and there. One ear of the creature was shorter than the other. I think the boys were selling those figurines in the streets of Luxor and the ones they were taking home in the cardboard box were those that hadn’t been perfect and thus, hadn’t sold. I just love my present more for not being perfect. I never saw the little boys again but I will never forget them, for as long as I live.

7) Do you personally find your own genitalia attractive?

Whoa, here I was lost in my memories and this is a weird wake-up call. I think, in general, I tend to find other people’s genitalia more attractive. At least women’s. A limp Johnson is just ugly, no matter how handsome the man attached to it is. At least a woman’s… Cave of Wonders looks like it belongs on the overall body. My own? I like what it looks like inside best. Man, I know someone who is going to hate me for having disclosed this.

Great on-screen love affairs. ‘Fess up. Which get you moist/hot/bothered/whatever?

Now here’s a question that is right up my alley! From movies I saw recently, I definitely have to say Edward and Bella. Man, I could just eat them up. Especially him. And that sparkling skin when he steps into the sun? And how he tells her “you are my world now”? And the way he, he, he LOVES her? Makes me melt. Oh man! Other great love affairs I love would be Trinity and Neo – they are perfect together; Gail and Dwight (Sin City) – anyone who calls his woman his “valkyrie”, is Clive Owen and says things about the fire burning them both gets me hot and bothered. I can never resist Clive Own but I especially can’t resist him paired up with Rosario Dawson in a shoot-out in Old Town; Scottie and Madeleine/Judy (Vertigo) – James Stewart may very well be my favourite actor and Kim Novak, I find, although this is an unpopular opinion even in Hitch’s eyes, is the best Hitchcock blonde there ever was. Plus: I love how subtle, yet passionate and doomed their love affair is; Ripley and Corporal Dwayne Hicks (Aliens) – I love the “could have been” factor here: they never get to fully live their love and yet they were so perfect for each other! makes me cry every time; Sookie and Igby (Igby Goes Down) – Kieran Culkin, if you read this, please know that my love for you is eternal. Also: please marry me! I loved Sookie and Igby together, darn Olli who stole her away; last but not least are Andrew and Sam (Garden State) – these two are the epitomy of love that is deep, quirky, unrelenting, difficult and ultimately incredible!

9) Who would play you in your biopic?

Angelina Jolie. And I’m not even saying this out of arrogance. Out of all the current Hollywood stars, she comes closest to my type. Of course she’d have to wear a fatsuit for some time in the movie, but we all know that stars who uglify themselves get Oscars. So in case you don’t win best actress this year Angie, give me a call and we’ll talk about the rights to my autobiography, I guarantee you an Oscar win on that.

10) What is your regular coffee shop order?

I don’t regularly get coffee but when I do, I get the fancy kind with all kinds of extras. So I don’t have a regular order because I like to try something different almost every time. But my favourite coffee is Starbuck’s caramel frappuccino with whipped cream. Which, funnily enough, is also the first Starbuck’s coffee I ever had, back in 2003, in London.

11) Give it up with two of life’s great mysteries.

Mathematics. Man, I wish I understood how that mysterious force of nature works! I am just dumb with numbers. I wish I could take a class and suddenly get it all. Mathematics seem beautiful to me in a very weird way. I always feel deprived when I’m in situations in which I realise that my skills are just lower than low in that area. *cries in a corner* The second mystery would be, lame as it may sound, love. I daresay I understand it better than I understand mathematics (then again, I understand whales better than I understand math) but honestly, it’s still quite a big mystery. All I can hope for is being loved again one day (by someone other than my parents and my dog).

12) What is the most disgusting thing you have ever eaten?

I read somewhere that we eat up to 37 spiders in a lifetime, in our sleep. That thought alone makes me gag. Things I’ve eaten consciously and hated? My mum’s homemade granola bars. I don’t care if they’re from Nigella Lawson or not and I don’t give a damn about how healthy they are, nothing should taste like cat croquettes and cardboard. Man, those were vile! (And to think that my mum is usually a most accomplished cook and thought these were amazing… yikes)

13) Who was the last person that you told to “fuck off”?

No one I knew. It was some guy in the Munich underground who hit on me.

14) Who’s the best and who’s the crappiest:

a) Bond

Best: Sean Connery, hands down. Though I must say Timothy Dalton really did it for me too. And Daniel Craig too. But Sean is the best. Obviously George Lazenby is the worst of the bunch.

b) Batman

Best: Michael Keaton. That’s right! Worst: Val Kilmer, I just can’t stand the guy.

c) Monster in Gojira movies
Best: Mothra. Scary and weird as hell! Worst: the CGI Godzilla in the Emmerich film. Though I do enjoy the film overall.

d) Member of the Village People
I’m too young for these, so I have no idea. You’re lucky I know how to do the dance. I just like to do the dance.

e) Simpson’s supporting cast member
Best: Ralph Wiggum – he is hilarious and so cute! Worst: The dudes Homer works with. So boring I don’t even know their names.

f) Friends character

Best: Chandler. Nothing beats Chandler’s humour. I LOVE CHANDLER BING! Worst: Rachel. Too princess-ey, too normal.

g) Disney baddie

Best: Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Worst: Governor Ratcliffe from Pocahontas. His scenes are unwatchable.

h) Bond girl
Oh jeez, that is such a tough one. Are we talking looks or attitude here? Or both? Aaaghhh! Okay, pull yourself together. Best – Looks: Solitaire. Attitude: Jinx (“yo’ mama!”). Both? Honey Ryder…? The worst: definitely Camille (Olga Kurylenko, though it wasn’t her fault).

i) Bond villain
Best: Goldfinger, no questions asked. Worst: Dominic Greene, what a boring douchebag.
j) Non-monotheistic deity

Best: Athena. She was and is my favourite out of all the pantheons out of all the civilisations. Intelligence, beauty, strength and working towards world peace, what more can you ask for? Worst: Ares. I could never stand the guy. Dumb and unstable, definitely in need of anger-management classes and some education.
k) Fictional deity?
This is a superb question! Best: Shai-Hulud, by a landslide, hands down and without a question. All the Dune fans in the house let me hear you say “Haiiiii-Yoh”!!!!! Worst: none comes to mind. But there is a special award that goes to: Alanis Morissette as God. She was cute as a button!

l) Witch
Technically, they are not witches. But since everybody keeps referring to them as such, I will have to pick my two favourite Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers (that’s right, I can’t pick one over the other in this case): Darwi Odrade and Murbella. I want to be Murbella. Worst: Hermione. Little Miss Prissy Know-It-All. Ugh!

m) Flintstone
Best: Pebbles. Especially the grown-up Pebbles is so cute! Worst: Fred.

n) Jedi
Again, are we talking about looks or skills here? Looks: Aayla Secura. Skills: of course Yoda. Worst: Darth Maul.

o) Member of your household
Best: Does my laptop count? Worst: Me. I go through a room and it looks like a nuclear warzone. I seriously don’t know how I do it but I do do it.

Wow, that’s all for now folks!

Live long and prosper, peace,

Anna